Downtown Anna, July 19, 2017

Downtown Anna, Illinois - July 19, 2017

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11. The words of the wise are like goads, their collected sayings like firmly embedded nails—given by one shepherd.^{[b] 12} Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them.
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.
¹³ Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.

King Solomon - Ecclesiastes Chapter 12

The city of Anna has a population of about 4,400 souls, but with Jonesboro next door the metro area holds about 6,200 people, which is almost the size of Mount Horeb, weighing in at 8,000. Like many towns it’s size it has a dominant main street and again like most towns they have named it Main Street, dividing it into North Main and South Main. The west entrance to the Mental Health facility is on North Main, so in order to get to the downtown area you just hang a left (south) as you leave Choate and follow it until it turns into South Main which is where the local espresso joint is, and espresso is what I want right now before I head over to the Cardinal House on Casey Street where Yuri Slapanovich is reported to reside. 

The ride is only 4 minutes long since Kiki’s, the espresso joint, is not even a mile away from the insane asylum. Parking is easy since it is a weekday, so I walk in and indeed the front looks like a coffee shop but the back section is more like a restaurant with tables and table cloths, not like what you would expect of a more Bohemian vibe like the Cedar Street Café in Manistiquè. Toward the back of the place are some instruments for your typical band such as drums, electric guitar, and bass, but seemingly a band that would be too loud for a coffee house, which it probably is. I’m really glad that they are not playing at the moment since almost every band that possesses an electric instrument likes to play it so that it is impossible for anyone else in the room to talk, as if to say "listen to me and only me, shut down your pleasant conversations and only listen to me. I know you are getting to know each other but now is the time to stop and get to know how awesome we are up here in the front." This is not so true of acoustic players, but usually true of electric routines, and there are just so many bands, and in my town of 8,000 there are about 40 that I know of right now. According to my own informal estimate there are about 250,000 bands in the US, and I'm starting to think that we really don’t need to be entertained that badly. About 100,000 of those 250K are pretty good. The rest are just chord players with a beat, and bad or mediocre voices for the melody. It didn’t use to be this way in that most of the bands that had enough guts to play for others were usually somewhat talented, but then as the number of bands increased the quality went south, emboldening other low talent musicians to enter the mix, and they in turn emboldening others, creating a type of downward quality spiral, resulting in the pile of slop we have today. Sure there are bright spots, but it’s mostly garbage and to add insult to injury the slop actually think that they’re pretty good. Remember Garth Algar and Wayne Campbell? 

The other phenomenon that occurred was that even some of males in the marginal bands looked cooler than their non-band counterparts, and therefore enhanced their chick quotient as well as their overall popularity quotient, so that if they couldn’t impress the ladies with their looks or athletic ability they had another option. The Guitar. This led to an influx of musicians that were not particularly attractive or athletic, but somehow seemed more attractive than they would normally be without the instruments, and truth be known the woman actually DID deem them more attractive. I guess my point here is that a significant portion of the millions of musicians that exist today became musicians to enhance their personal popularity and sex appeal with the music itself being a byproduct. It would have been so much better if the reverse were true. I don’t think this was the case back in Ancient Greece when music was performed for music’s sake, theory was understood, modes developed, melody lines with beauty, and voices approaching the angelic.

I have to force myself to stop thinking this way but it just comes on suddenly every time I see three guitars and a set of drums. How much longer can the collective human psyche tolerate this genre, I mean it’s been nearly seventy years already. Can someone break this up? My thought sequence is shattered by the metrosexual, gender neutral being behind the counter asking me what I would like, so I try to translate my Starbucks order into its lowest common denominator. Usually I can just say triple grande extra hot latte but I translate that to, “I’ll have a sixteen ounce latte, two percent milk, with three shots of espresso, in a paper cup, with a lid, and can you please make that extra hot?” The translation can be difficult at times and sometimes I leave out a key component, usually either the paper cup or the extra hot. It’s like speaking Spanish when you’re not fluent and have to translate each word separately. 

Exhausting. This is why I sometimes just prefer Dunkin. Simple. Regular coffee please, extra hot. Thank you. And the Indians seem to run them just fine. I thought they would screw them up at first like they did with the one star hotels throughout America, but the Dunkins did not suffer the same fate for some reason. If you think I’m racist then you’re right. Dot Indians are terrible at hotels, pretty good at Dunkins, fine at 7-Elevens, but really good at javascript, HTML, and XML. I just wish I could understand Hindi since it has to be easier than their version of English. I call it unbiased racism and give credit to the race where credit is due, but not where it’s not due. Terrible I know. 

As I’m waiting I hear a familiar voice from my childhood, that unmistakable, rapid fire, pushy clipped speech that is uncommon in this part of the country, as if he has half of the Jersey accent, not the obnoxious tonality part, just the meter and phrasing portion. I turn towards the darker section of the room, to the left of the drum set and sure enough there is Yuri, talking with two individuals, one male and one female, whose backs are facing me. Yuri is droning on and on about something to do with Lesbians, and I can only hope it’s not his typical Lesbian diatribe about how all Lesbians are latently bisexual except for the ones on the isle of Lesbos itself, which is absolutely crazy but then again we’re in Anna. And it’s Yuri. I have to remember that. I’m in Anna, Illinois and it’s Yuri Slapanovich.

Since I don’t really want to hear his nonsense again but AM interested in the responses of the other two individuals I decide to covertly listen in without revealing my identity, afraid that my recognized presence will alter the intimacy of the conversation.  Fortunately my disguise comes easily since I’m normally bald with glasses, and most people including Yuri have never seen me otherwise. I happen to have my white Captain Steve’s Bait and Tackle cap with me so I put it on and place my glasses in my pants pocket. Very few will recognize me without my bald head and glasses, especially if they are not expecting me, which is the case today. I sit at a table adjacent to the group, but slightly behind and to the right of Yuri, and now within facial eyesight of the other two although I can only see the man’s pale sickly face directly head on. The woman, of whom I only have a side view, is attractive with a smooth complexion, intelligent face, long auburn hair, lively demeanor, and strangely familiar. The hair is not yet gray, but still too long for her age. I wish I could get a better look, but for right now I’m mostly interested in the conversation and fortunately Yuri does not recognize me. 

He indeed is going on about the isle of Lesbos, but the woman turns her head to look at her cell phone, and I get a full view of her face. It actually looks like Nurse Penny but I’m not sure since her hair is longer than the last time I saw her, but then I look at her left bicep and there it is, a tat of LBJ with the text “All the Way with LBJ” under his image. Yep that’s Penelope Jane Piano alright. (It’s been rumored that Penny’s mother actually DID go all the way with LBJ on a visit to Pedernales in 1959, which was the reason for the tat.) Quickly I look down as if reading my book and fortunately she doesn’t recognize me either. 

She turns her head back to look again at Yuri as he continues….

“Have you ever heard of Dr. Butterfield?” Yuri asks the other two to which Penny says no and without waiting for the pale slender gentleman to responds starts his answer. “Well she really getting into it with Jen Hatmaker, whom I’m pretty sure you have heard of, right?”

Penny nods her assent, giving Yuri implicit permission to continue, but I think she is just nodding to get this over with and has never heard of Hatmaker either.

“Well her name is actually Rosario Butterfield and she has a doctorate in English Literature and was a tenured professor in Women’s and Gender Studies at Syracuse University back in the late 90’s. She used to be like this total Lesbian, then became a Christian in 1999, and is now saying that there is no such thing as a Christian Lesbian or really Christian homosexual of any type. Something about how the adjective changes the noun which in this case is inaccurate, according to her.  On the other end of the spectrum is Jen Hatmaker, who has an evangelical ministry in Austin Texas, and who used to view all homosexual activity as a sin and now is ok with it saying that LGBTZ marriages can be holy. Well maybe not Z. Anyway, Dr. Butterfield just issued a somewhat blistering statement about Jen supporting LGBTZ Christianity, talking about her previous self, saying that ‘If I were still in the thick of the battle over the indwelling sin of lesbian desire, Jen’s words would have put a millstone around my neck.’  What makes the whole thing interesting is that Dr. Butterfield is a Presbyterian and Jen is an Evangelical, or at least used to be. Weird since most mainline churches change their doctrines to accommodate the culture but evangelicals don’t, nor do Catholics. The teachings of the church should be the lighthouse with the cultures being the ships that come and go. Right and wrong shouldn’t change based on our perceptions. Perceptions can and ARE altered by the culture, and sometimes the culture is rotten.”

“Hmmm,” said Penny, “that is indeed odd and while I don’t know much about Dr. Butterfield I don’t think that Hatmaker speaks for the entire evangelical community. I mean I like her and everything but I’m not sure how much of an evangelical she is in the first place.”

“I guess that depends on your definition of evangelical then doesn’t it?” Yuri replied. “Well whatever she is I do believe that she is a Christian and so is Rosario, but Rosario used to be a bonafide Lesbian so she would have more authority regarding the topic. I tend to think that Hatmaker is just trying to conform culturally, thereby increasing her relevance quotient, like so many of the churches do anymore. Don't you think Hatmaker is just trying to do what it takes to fit into her milieu? ”

“Yuri”, Penny interjects, “why are you bringing this up right now?”

“I guess I just remembered that you were somewhat bisexual and thought you might be interested, especially since you’re sort of a Christian these days. Seems relevant.” 

“You’re an asshole. What makes you think that I’m bisexual and why in the world would you qualify my Christianity with the phrase sort-of.”

“Seems like you just answered your second question by your first sentence which seems to violate a couple of Christian tenets right off the bat, AND you use the F word on a fairly regular basis at Choate. Regarding the whole bi thing, I have my sources, multiple.”

“Name one.” 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, but you’ve hinted at in that past, like when you went on that spring break trip in college with a bunch of girls, and from what I remember it turned into somewhat of an intra-gender orgy.”

“I don’t remember telling you anything about an intra-gender orgy.”

“Yeah, but you implied it and you knew that I got the implication. Plus one of your friends at the hospital said that when you were in the cafeteria you came up behind her and cupped both of her mammary glands in your hands and fondled them somewhat. She had to pull away from you forcefully. You really should stick to other bisexuals and full blown lesbians, you can’t just get away with that type of behavior with straight woman, if there really are any.”

“To your last point, all women do that, we’re just more…affectionate,” she said drawing out the word affectionate. Plus I had a little too much alcohol that time.” 

“Really Penny? Well maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but that still seems like a lesbo type activity to me. In any case you don’t need to be defensive, I won’t tell your husband or anything and I don’t really think any less of you, in fact I think it’s kind of hot. Not that I’m attracted to you or anything because if I were I wouldn’t be so offensive. In any case you should read Dr. Butterfield’s book. I think it’s called The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert.”

“I’ll bet you haven’t even read it yourself.” said Penny.

“No, but I know the basic content. Plus I’m straight and don’t really need to read it in its entirety. You on the other hand…”

 

“Shut up Asshole,” she said with flirty type of forced anger. “Plus I got plenty of stuff on YOU so don’t think YOU are all high and mighty. Your one of the most ‘sort of’ Christians I know.”

“Ok, calm down, and before this conversation deteriorates any further can I get you another Mocha?”

“Sure, not so much chocolate this time though, way too sweet.” 

As Yuri went to retrieve the Mocha the slender, quiet pale gentleman got up, whispered something in Penny’s ear and walked out the rear entrance past the drum set. She didn’t really respond to him, but her countenance looked like it went through a downgrade, and then he walked out the rear entrance past the drum set. As he was leaving he pulled the cell phone from his pants pocket and as he did it looked like a business card came with it but fell on the floor without him noticing.  

As Yuri was getting the refills I decided to put my glasses back on and take my hat off to see if he would now recognize me on his way back to the table. I doubted that Nurse Penny would recognize me since I had only met her once briefly up in Viroqua, and that was at dusk. When he returned he walked directly back to the table placing Penny’s mocha in front of her and sat back down with his. The odd thing was that he never mentioned the slender fellow who was no longer there and neither did Penny. In fact I don’t remember the guy saying anything at all during the whole conversation except that he had whispered something in Penny’s ear. They picked up the conversation as if the guy had never been there. 

“Thank you,” said Penny. “You know, we made light of it earlier but I really don’t understand why evangelicals have this weird thing against cussing. Sometimes there is just no other word that seems to describe a person or situation, and I think that cussing lends a certain edge to the conversation, kind of like spice to a meal. I really don’t think that I would be able to convey certain thoughts without it.”

“Yeah," said Yuri, "I’m not sure why either but it probably has something to do with a passage in the Bible somewhere. I’m not sure why I said it that way since I know exactly what. There are a couple of them. Like in the Book of Colossians where it says ‘But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.’  Then there’s another one in the Book of Ephesian where it says ‘Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.’ And then Jesus said that it’s not what goes into a man that defiles him but what comes out of his mouth or something like that. Anyway it’s clear that Christians aren’t supposed to but I’m with you, I’m not sure why other than apparently God doesn’t want us to.”

“I guess that’s reason enough if you’re a true Christian,” said Nurse Penny. It just seems so trivial, and plus I don’t want to come off like one of those evangelical freaks. I want to retain who I am, and I’d be afraid of losing my whole personality if I adopted everything in the Bible. Profanity is like a major part of my essence and if I lose my essence then it’s kind of like Austin Powers losing his mojo…baby,” imitating the voice of Austin with the last two words. 

“Yeah, it’s the whole obedience thing. I guess God just wants us to obey him and that pleases him, and plus I think that when He’s pleased He’s more apt to answer our prayers, so possibly there’s that. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and take the criticism and if you really are having trouble with expressing yourself maybe you should read more books to improve your vocabulary. Plus it might actually enhance your personality and actually enhance your mojo, did you ever think of that.”

“No, but I am thinking of spilling this mocha all over your white shirt.”

“No need to get all upset, I totally get you and really I’m not a lot different in that I think the swear words and you say them. At least you don’t use substitute profanity like friggin and effin and other such terms. People who cuss should just cuss, and not try to artificially cleanse it. Still, I think that obedience in small things is important, maybe not AS important as the big things, but still important and I think they are related.” 

“How so?” asked Penny.

Yuri thought for a moment, took a sip on his latte but it went down his respiratory tube instead of his digestive tube and he started choking a bit. After Penny asked the obligatory ‘are you going to be ok’ he continued. “Sorry, wrong pipe. As I was saying it’s a habit thing I guess. We all want to acquire good habits right? I look at obedience as a habit I’d like to acquire, just like other good habits. I want to kind of practice obedience throughout the day, every day, even in the small things and maybe then it will help me in the larger areas. A doctor doesn’t start out by operating on the spinal cord does she and I use the word she on purpose. They give her a spleen or gall bladder or some other useless organ to practice on first, but she still wants to do a good job to please her superiors. In other words I don’t want to just be a Christian on Sunday, and just give appearances for obvious reasons. I don’t think you do either do you?”

“Of course not,” she replied, “which is why I cuss on Sunday also.

“Yes Penny, you’re hilarious,” Yuri said sarcastically. “But still you get my point right?”

“I get your point. Do you get mine?”

“Only partially, I mean I get your point totally but I don’t know how you resolve it with obedience. You must be conflicted, at least a little. You’re correct in that profanity is a small thing, but obedience is a large thing regardless of the importance of the particular activity. In other words it’s the concept of obedience that’s important, not necessarily the form. A small thing is the same as a large thing in some ways. I think Jesus said that if I can’t trust you in the small things how can I trust you with the big stuff, or something like that.” 

“Good point. I’m still going to cuss though. And you really should tighten up your scripture references, you’re getting sloppy. The one you’re after is in Luke Chapter 16, but I don’t know the verse. You’ll find it. Thank you Laura Potts.”

“Do what you gotta do," said Yuri, "but at least stop groping women, I don’t think you grope men but please stop it with the ladies. Didn’t Laura teach you that as well back in Cairo?”

“Another good point and that might be more doable, although some of the female inmates are pretty hot and it’s tough, especially those that give off a vibe. Hot is hot, regardless of the gender but I’ll try. Anyway, why were you released from Choate. I had to pull a lot of strings to get you in there this last time, and then like a month later you’re out. What’s up with that?”

“I think it was a just a financial thing in that it costs the state of Illinois a lot of money to feed all us crazies and plus those MindFreedom people are really putting the pressure on the mental hospitals to do the whole catch and release thing. They think that people like me should be on the outside as productive members of society, and that it’s good for us. Lord knows it definitely not good for society or for Anna. Look at this town, nobody wants to move here anymore because of all of the psychos out and about, acting like they’re normal people but they’re not and you can’t expect them to be. Most of the people here are really not made for the front porch genetically and you know that Penny. They know it too. I’ll bet that twenty five percent of the adult population of Anna is totally wacko under a fine fragile outer membrane, that that membrane is so fine it’s almost non-existent. What they don’t understand is that some of us actually WANT to be on the inside, not out here where we don’t belong. Why can’t things just go back to normal where us loonies get a choice in the matter. You’re pro-choice right?”

“You’re not crazy Yuri and you know it. You’re living a lie and I’ve been complicit in it. You need to just knock it off.” 

“Really Penny. Really? And are you the one who gets to define crazy? What is it then huh? If I can’t function the rest of the day because my fingernails are cut too short is that crazy enough for you. What if I want to throw myself off the Marriott Marquis in Times Square just to enjoy the ride, which I do sometimes? Is that crazy enough for you? What about when I ate that lady’s hair clippings just to feel closer to her? Or the time I borrowed that mannequin from Forever 21 just to get in the HOV lane. And what about when I resort to opening the salami package with a Skil saw because the stupid tab that say’s remove here doesn’t work.  I mean what do I have to do? Seriously, what?”

“Stop it Yuri, you’re sounding stupid, and no one in their right mind would let you around a Skil saw anyways.  I can handle crazy but not stupid. You know full well that you don’t belong in there. Do you really enjoy getting beat up by Bobby Albright every single day?" 

“He doesn’t beat me up Penny, he just does the tit twister thing when we’re in the cafeteria. I can handle it, although my tits ARE kinda sore right now. Sometimes I’m afraid I have breast cancer though. In any case I just gotta keep my distance and be a little more careful when I’m in the food line or on the toilet. Plus, aren’t you supposed to protect me in there?  I saved YOU back in Iquitos from Don Richo, you’d think you could return the favor once in a while. Speaking of Bobby Albright, how’s Mary Ann.”

“Mary Ann who?”

“Seriously Penny? You know full well who. Your sister. Mary Ann Piano.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” she said in an angry hushed tone as she looked nervously around the coffee shop, “See this knife? I’m about three seconds and two feet away from castrating your crazy ass right here on this laminated floor. You’re not supposed to even know about that.  I trusted you and you agreed to never speak that name again.” 

“Sorry, I forgot,", said Yuri, "but regardless, you really SHOULD stop cussing, makes you sound whorish.”